Hell to the no
by flyin'rabbit
Summary: Or, Nobody listens to Rachel... again. Kurt hadn't quite pictured his return to McKinley to be anything like this. Crack-ish


**A/N**: This story is pure crack (at least, I think so... feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) and based on a comment over at Glee Wikia (something along the lines of, what if Mercedes would sing _Hell to the no_ to Kurt when he comes back to McKinley?). I couldn't resist writing a fic around that idea.

So, as for warnings: some spoilers, general OOC-ness, idiocy galore, and above average underappreciation for Rachel (and Kurt, who is thought to be non-existing at several points). It's also probably the most crappy and unbelievable story I've ever written, so be warned. Oh, and there's a psychiatrist mentioned somewhere - I don't mean to insult psychiatrists or their patients in any way. Just to make that clear :)

And in case it wasn't clear yet - this story makes no sense, and isn't meant to do so. Also, this is not how I want Kurt's return to McKinley to go ;) Anyway, enjoy!

**Disclaimer**: Oh, right. I don't own _Glee_. (which is probably for the better)

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Feeling more free than ever, Kurt hastily parked his car in the McKinley parking lot on his first day back. He hadn't told his friends yet that he was coming back – which was actually pretty easy, as Finn had spent the entire weekend after Regionals at Puck's for some video game tournament or something like that – and he couldn't wait to see their faces… both for their reactions and because he just wanted to see them again.

Yes, leaving Dalton Academy seemed like the best decision he'd made in a long time, even if being back at McKinley meant having to face an awful lot of bullies, but at least his friends would have his back.

Or so he thought.

He made his way to the auditorium surprisingly easily, without anyone throwing a slushie at him or pushing him into a locker. As always, there was a big chaos in the auditorium and Kurt looked on fondly for a moment. He was back; this was where he belonged.

Right?

Rachel was the only one to notice him standing there, and she almost tackled him in a hug. If he hadn't been so deliriously happy himself, he wouldn't have let her, but now he did. For once.

"What are you doing here?" Rachel asked, her eyes flickering from Kurt to the rest of New Directions (who were busy discussing something or other) and back.

Kurt's smile grew wider. "I'm coming back," he replied, unsure if maybe others were listening in. "Well – I already came back, actually, but – "

Once again, he was smothered into a Rachel Berry hug as she screamed loudly for several seconds. He couldn't see what the others were up to now, but surely they'd noticed him, right? Even if Rachel was pretty much blocking him from view and they ignored her screams anyway.

When he looked up, he saw that a few New Directions members were sitting down now, and Mercedes looked ready to sing. Yes, Rachel was still in front of him, but that didn't matter. He could still see the stage as Mercedes started her song. At first, it was funny enough – she sang about people taking away her tots and stuff like that… very Mercedes.

But then she seemed to notice him standing there (or was it Rachel? Probably not, because he was much taller than her) and she directed the chorus at him.

Kurt was stomped for a moment. What did she mean by that? Didn't she, and by extension, the rest of New Directions, want him back? Had he been too sure of himself, expecting that he'd be welcomed back with open arms?

Mercedes kept looking (almost glaring) at him during the remainder of the song, and she actually looked a little… angry. What had he done? He mentally went through all his actions and interactions with Mercedes but couldn't think of anything that had happened lately.

After a while, he just couldn't take it anymore. It was obvious that he wasn't wanted here. He should've known better. He turned around and stalked back out of the auditorium, and out of the school.

When Mercedes was done, cheers erupted from the other students and Mercedes sent Rachel a smug look. She'd now successfully shown the other girl that there were other people here who could write their own songs.

An easy conversation started, but it was soon interrupted by Rachel. "Wait – where did Kurt go?"

"Why would Kurt be here?" Artie asked, voicing everyone's thoughts (except for Rachel's, of course). "He doesn't go to school here anymore, Rachel."

"Yes, he does," Rachel replied defiantly, crossing her arms. "He was back – but… he's gone."

"Are you sure you didn't hallucinate, Rachel?" Mr Schuester asked her concernedly. "Maybe you should go see the nurse…"

"No!" Rachel exclaimed. "He was right here, I swear! He was standing just behind me!"

"There was only a shadow behind you, Rachel," Mercedes scoffed. "Trust me, I watched you the whole time and if Kurt had been standing behind you, I would've noticed."

Rachel scoffed right back at her. "Well, you'll see soon enough," she told the others icily before leaving the auditorium as well.

That day, however, Kurt was not in class, and he didn't come back for rehearsal after classes either. Needless to say, everyone thought that Rachel was going crazy. But she knew that she wasn't. She'd seen Kurt, she'd even spoken to him. Sadly, there was no way to prove that.

The next day, Finn arrived at school informing them that Kurt was now 'boarding' (although he didn't say where, they all assumed he was boarding at Dalton), and as days turned into weeks, it seemed like he only came home in weekends when Finn wasn't at home. The only reason they knew Kurt was even still alive was because they were fairly certain that at least _Finn_ would be informed of his death in one way or another. But he never contacted any of them in any way, which worried them quite a lot.

Still, they managed to prepare themselves for Nationals (in New York!) and they felt like they could take on the world. Everything was possible in the Big Apple, right? They had even managed to find a good psychiatrist for Rachel there, for after all this time, she still kept believing that she had really seen Kurt that day, shortly after Regionals.

So except for her, nobody was really prepared when they walked into the place where Nationals was to be held, only to be met by a softly smirking but otherwise very healthy (looking) Kurt. Standing next to Sunshine Corazon. Wearing exactly the same outfit as some of the Vocal Adrenaline members who were scattered around the lobby.

Well. They hadn't seen that coming. When it was just them, Quinn said, "I think we all need to see that psychiatrist – there is _no way_ Kurt would ever join Vocal Adrenaline. We're just seeing things. That has to be it."

"Maybe we should send Kurt there instead," Rachel suggested, but the others shook their heads with what looked like pained expressions on their faces.

"Rachel, you've really gone crazy now," Finn told her in what was probably meant to be a comforting voice. "That was clearly an illusion just now. Kurt isn't here."

Oh, but he was. He even helped his new club win Nationals – after which New Directions kidnapped him from the scene. Soon thereafter, they were all huddled in Emma Pillsbury's office, determined to get over this disaster – by trying to erase Kurt's memory that he'd ever joined Vocal Adrenaline (and while they were at it, maybe the Warblers as well), and attempting to make the others deal with their very disastrous and traumatic loss. There was always next year.

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**A/N**: *hides* So, what do you think? How bad was it? Let me know if you have any thoughts/comments/questions, please review!


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